Story #1/Part 2

Mia put the pink journal back in the purse, collected her mother’s things and hurried back to the house. She knew she had been more than an hour, and her cell phone had 3 missed calls from her mother’s house phone. Most likely Cathy being impatient and annoyed with her as usual. I pulled up in front of the house, and found my brother Michael outside smoking a cigarette.  “Hey” I called as I approached the front of the house, “Your in big trouble you know, taking off like that, not everyone has all day to dawdle around, I need to get back out west” I looked at the haunted look in his eyes and knew he was hurting, Michael and I had grown pretty close over the years even though we are 15 years apart. Between losing dad, watching his best friend pass away and now mom, we tended to lean on each other when we needed emotional support. I walked up to him, put my arm around his waste, kissed his cheek and smiled “I don’t think the big bad older sister is going to eat me ya know, especially when I show her what I found”.  Michael smiled at me, c’mon let’s go see the girls.

            The familiar smell of my mother’s house hit me like a wave of sorrow, walking back in. I squeezed Michael’s hand, knowing what I was feeling he squeezed mine back. Cathy turned and glared at me, “where in god’s name have you been! We’ve started without you, you know!” I just looked at her, I knew this wasn’t her normal self, she was stressed and hurting, we all were, but I had never see her so uptight before, it just wasn’t natural. “I found mom’s childhood diary”  my voice was barely audible, I didn’t know if was really ready to share my secret, but I also knew they wouldn’t forgive me if I kept it from them. “What!” all startled gazes turned towards me. “Mom had a diary when she was a kid, she left it for me to find, along with a key to a safety deposit box, so I went and looked inside, to find more diaries, and another letter to me, asking me to do her one more favor. I know you guys all want to sit down and read it right now, but mom asked me to do something’s for her, and I need all her journals to complete the task she asked. So please, don’t ask me for them yet. Just let me finish this and then you guys can each have your own turn reading them.”  I was ready for them to all start yelling at the same time, but Cathy just shook her head, called us to all down around the table and read our mother’s last testament and will.  My mother really didn’t have much to leave, what few things that meant anything to us girls got divided pretty equally, my mother’s wedding ring went to me, and her bedroom set went to Cathy for her daughter who was my oldest niece. My sister Frankie got a few odds and ends, and Cat got my mother’s house, because she had basically helped her buy it. Michael who claimed he wanted nothing, walked away still with some of mom’s jewelry for any future children of his own.

            The day had been long, my children and husband were waiting at home for me, as much as I wanted to curl up on the couch with them and watch a movie, I knew no peace would find me there, so once all my sisters had gone, and my brother had settled in for the night, who was staying at my mom’s, I went back to her bedroom to read a few more pages of my mother’s journal.

                       

                                                                                                February 3, 1960

           

I’ve never been the best student in my class, but I’m not the dumbest either. Slipping into home room at 2 minutes after the bell rang usually meant trouble, thankfully today; the teacher was later than I was. I’ve always hated math and science, which of course where my two earliest classes, but loved history and English. I love to read Mary, and when ever a spare moment arises you will find me in the school library devouring books, creating an escape for myself, I’ve always wanted to be anywhere but here, living this life, just outside of Worcester, constantly trying to please Mrs. Rossi and my mother. The constant battle of who was her mother and who had final say over her was tiresome. I went to Rose’s, once a week and every other weekend, to help with the new set of brats, as Rose liked to call them, that she brought into this world. It didn’t really take her long considering. I was born in March. By the beginning of May, Nicholas my oldest brother age 8 was sent off to the first foster home, Norma my sister quickly followed that summer, who just had turned 7. Then Lewis, age 5 was off, Joe- Joe was 3 and he went a few months after Lewis, but since I was just a baby she decided to keep me around until was about 1. Then I started to get into things, so off I went.

Rumor has it before I was even born Rose had started dating some Navy guy who liked to call himself Mac. I don’t really think that was his name, Rose called him all sort of names, but he liked us to call him Mac. To Rose, he was every girls dream. Wounded in the World War he was sent home a hero, the wound caused him a small limp, but he liked adventure, he told great stories, and convinced Rose to do some of the stupidest things I’ve ever heard of, including getting pregnant again!

            I guess I was about 2 ½ when Rose was arrested for all her adventures with Mac. Money was tight for them, even with all of her children being taken care of by the state, Rose still couldn’t survive. So Mac’s brilliant idea was to start knocking over convenient stores, with a toy gun, “No one would get hurt baby” he would tell her, we take a few bucks from the local market, and off we go.  It only took them a couple of months to get caught. They had just knocked over a store in western Connecticut. Their plan was to hit that one up and keep moving west until they got to sunny California. They never thought to check behind the store I guess, so once they were done taking the whole $25.25 that the store cash register held, and sped off in their car, the cruiser that was parked behind the gas station using the facilities easily caught up with them, and arrested them both. Mac took most the blame; I guess I have to give him credit there. He was sentenced to 5 years in prison, while Rose was sentenced to 2 years, and 3 years on probation once she was released. She was in jail about a month once she realized she was carrying Mac’s baby. That’s where my little brother Rick comes into the picture. He was delivered at Eastern State Penitentiary, on September 5^th, 1949. He unlike the rest of us was taken straight into custody by the state, and mandated to stay there regardless if Rose was in or out of jail for at least the first 3 years of his life. Rose once released was allowed visitations with him once a week until he was five, when she decided that she would like her “love child” to move back in with her.. bah!

           

                                                                                    April 9 1960

Mary! I’m so sorry I haven’t written in awhile, but life really hasn’t changed much these days. Yesterday was a “Rose” day. When my school day ended, I take the city bus to Danielson Connecticut where she now resided with Rick, and her new husband George, and their child Cindy Ann. At this point Nicholas is out on his own, and from what I understand had joined the Marines, although I’m not sure, Rose never confirmed it and I haven’t heard for him in a while. Norma who is 21 now, had just married and was pregnant with her first child, Lewis 19,  had moved out west somewhere, his last letter promised he was going to come back and rescue me, he secretly told me he always liked me best, sadly enough.. I always liked Rick. Joe-Joe was still in a foster home somewhere, to be honest I hadn’t seen him in a long time, and just never remembered to ask Rose where he was these days, he would be 16 pretty soon, I’m sure it wouldn’t be long before he joined the military or was off west with Lewis seeking their adventures in California. I can’t deny I didn’t like the sound of moving to California, It’s the year 1960, everyone’s hair long, everyone is talking of love, and peace, but Rick and I, we’re best buds, and I wouldn’t leave without him! We had made a vow to always watch each other’s back. For a while, Rick was placed in the same home I was, so we got to grow up together for awhile. When he first came, a family from Rhode Island had offered to adopt both Rick and I, to give us a nice and proper home, we would of grown up near the ocean, but Rose being the bitch she is, denied to sign the papers, no child of her’s was going to live better than she was! I have to admit I liked the time I get to go to Rose’s to see Rick. We always have to attend church first; Rose has decided to find God in her life, since nothing else seemed to be helping her these days.  Seventh-Day Adventist were are a little weird Mary, I much prefer being Catholic, but that’s just between you and me, I don’t mind going to church so much, Mrs. Rossi makes me go to mass every Sunday, and father O’Brien promised I  would make  confirmation soon, even though I  was always a little confused on what religion I was, but I don't really care for having to wash people’s feet. Old Lady Malloney had some stinky feet, and Mr. Smith had little warts on his toes, but as long as I could hold my breath and try not to laugh, I did ok, which meant no slaps from Rose, which was pretty ok with me!

            After church on those special Tuesdays, I am always responsible for cooking dinner, I never had much to work with, but as long as it was editable it was ok with Rose. Plus it was one night she didn’t have to cook. Once dinner was finished I wash the dishes, and then Rick and I sneak out back for a quick smoke. George smokes, and dinks, usually by dinner he is pretty drunk, which could mean some random beatings if you aren’t really careful. It is much easier to sneak our cigarette, and then I could slip in and say goodbye and start my mile walk back to the bus stop to get home, to clean up dinner from the Rossi family. This past Tuesday night however wasn’t so easy. George apparently had a bad day at work, dinner was very tense, his brown eyes were bleary and bloodshot, Rose was fed up, and took Cindy Ann and had gone to bed before they had even finished. Rick had made a comment, and was quickly back handed across the mouth, more embarrassed than hurt he fled to his room, leaving me with the bear of a man alone. I quietly slipped from my chair, and started to clear plates. I could feel his gaze upon me, I knew I was in trouble if I didn’t get out of there pretty fast, but Rose would be furious if I left her all the dishes to do, and this weekend I was supposed to spend the night. George’s chair loudly scraped across the green linoleum floor, he stumbled towards me, I could feel his hot breath on my neck, he was so close I could swear he was almost touching me. His hands came to rest on my shoulders, and slowly slid down the front of my shirt. A small yelp escaped my lips as he pinched my very sensitive and budding nipples, tears started to stream down my face, for I knew what would come next.. I knew he would want to touch me more, as John Rossi likes to try to touch me more… “Your hair, he whispered is like your mothers, thick and long, easy to pull.. your eyes, blue like the ocean, will like looking into mine as I touch you won’t they Colleen” I couldn’t bare to answer him, I didn’t know what to say, so I just whimpered again and prayed to God, I Prayed for him to stop, I apologized for every morning I complained about the cold, and every summer night I complained about being hot, I begged for him to help me, to do anything to not let his happen, I thought of you too Mary, I hoped you were somewhere close to me, and were going to help me.  When my savior for that night’s voice called out. “George, let her go now!” Rose commanded, I knew and she knew she would pay for it, but tonight Rose had done the first motherly thing ever in my life by calling him off to me, and all I could do was be thankful for her presence. “Out” she commanded as he lunged at  her, her beating would be quick and fierce, and I was sorry I could do nothing as I ran out the back kitchen door, my breaths coming out in puffs before me as I ran as fast as I could up the dirt path to the main road. I hummed and hummed as I tried to drown out Rose’s screams, Thank you God I whispered… thank you!

           

I put the book down, my eyes were watery with tears, I knew these stories I told myself, I knew she had a hard life, but reading a 15 year old girls admissions of being scared and lonely, seeing how the pen trembled in her hand while she wrote, made it so much more real than the stories she told me while growing up. I put the book aside, and slipped my loafers back on my feet and walked into Michael’s room. “Hey” I whispered. Mike smiled at me, “You on your way out?”  I nodded and started to walk away. “Is it hard Mia? Is it hard to read her journal and see her writing and know she’s gone, because I know it will be hard for me, I don’t think I want to read those journals” I turned and looked back at him. “You need to, for closure, for her, for you, so you understand all the things we never did growing up”  I blew him a kiss, and walked down the hall. The air had grown colder through the night, and soft white flurries were floating in the air. I couldn’t wait to get home.

Chapter 2

I decided to step away from the journal for a couple of days. This isn’t usually like me. I very much like my mother, devour books, and I love first hand accounts and biography’s, but reading this, knowing it was the story of my mother, I just felt I needed peace and quiet, no kids, no husband, no work, basically no distractions while I tried to figure out why she needed me to find her long lost son.  It was a quiet morning, after everyone had left the house; I picked up the pink journal and started again.

                                                                                                June 13 1962

Mary, it’s been a very long time, but so much has happened in two years. One of the Rossi girls found you, and hid you from me, until I moved out of their house. By that point I think she had forgotten about you, but I mentioned it to her, and she gave you back. It is summer now, the weather is so warm and nice, and as I mentioned yes, I’m now living with Rose, and not with Mrs. Rossi. This morning, the most amazing thing happened Mary; I had to tell you, this was how my morning went.

The summer grass felt cool and smooth beneath my feet as I walked along the path back behind Rose and George’s house. Humming as always, waiting for Rick to come with the smokes, I was pondering life and how things had changed in the past two years. Although I didn’t feel as though I had changed, apparently I had developed into a very beautiful young woman, at least according to Mrs. Rossi’s whispers. She had decided that she could no longer afford to keep me in her house, the boys who should be coming to admire Arabella, her daughter who is older than me by 1 year, were lingering over me instead, and John couldn’t keep his paw’s to himself, and Joseph his younger brother was starting to develop the same habit! I shudder just thinking about it.  Soon she would find herself with a bastard, with those looks if she isn’t careful! and a Rossi bastard it wouldn’t be! Mrs. Rossi used to whisper to all her friends. Honestly Mary I laugh just thinking about it, I would never let one of those creeps touch me!

I didn’t mind being sent away from the Rossi family, however instead of being sent to another home, Rose decided to try me back home with her. All the other kids were off living their own lives. Both Nicholas and Joe-Joe had joined the military and were at Vietnam, Lewis from what we understood had moved in with some strange people who liked to walk around naked, preaching of love and peace, not war, he had two different girls pregnant, and they lived off the land somewhere in Oregon. We could only hope for the best for him I suppose, and Norma, was pregnant now with her second child, living a quiet life with her husband somewhere in the suburbs of Boston. I like my life with Rose surprisingly. I get to help with the newest baby, little David, and Cindy Ann who was now six. George was pretty good about keeping his hands to himself, so far, we could only hope that it would remain that way. I like to go by a small brook back in the woods, lingering there by the water, this morning I heard footsteps behind my age emerged with a fishing pole and a cigarette hanging from his mouth. “Hello little lady” he smiled towards her. I could barely breathe;  I had never seen anyone so beautiful. His hair looked pale gold in the sunlight, his face and arms were tanned, his smile bright, and his eyes the bluest she had ever seen. “Who are you? What are you doing back here?”  Colleen whispered. “I’m Joe, George’s kid brother, I’m down from Burlington for the summer to help at the mill, but since today is my first day here, I get a break and get to go fishing” Colleen laughed, there are no fish in his brook..? Unless its mineos and toads you’re looking to catch, she laughed again. “Not here silly girl, there’s a pond just beyond those tree’s over there, with some nice catch in them, he slowly smiled towards Colleen, as he pulled out a cigarette and offered her one, she accepted and joined him for his trek to this mysterious pond he claimed to know about. Just beyond the tree’s as he said was a nice pond, they sat on the bank while he threw his line in, and sat in sweet silence. Colleen never knew anything to be so peaceful, until Joe’s line started to tug. He jumped up in excitement startling her, “Come on baby! Come on! He shouted as he reeled in his first fish. Out of the water a tiny little fish was hooked to his line, not more than an inch long, the expression on his face, as if he expected to reel in a 5lb tuna, and was sorely disappointed made Colleen laugh again. This isn’t deep sea fishing you know Colleen giggled. Joe mumbled something under his breath as he unhooked the fish and threw him back in the pond. “It’s not the size of the fish that matters anyway he said, this is supposed to be relaxing, and it is, do you like it?”

            “Hmm yes, I love the quiet, if I had known I was going to be spending the afternoon next to a peaceful pond I would of brought my book” Joe smiled in response. He couldn’t help it. She was so beautiful, and young and sweet, and after so many problems in his 28 years of life, marrying and burying his first wife, his only child dying just moments later, everything seemed so sweet and innocent here with this girl, with shining blue eyes and black hair like coal. He leaned over and brushed his lips across hers. Colleen’s reaction wasn’t what he expected. He thought he might be slapped, or pushed in the pond, lord knows he would have deserved it kissing this kid, but she shyly just smiled at him, leaned over kissed him on his cheek, and ran off.

                                                                       

When I got back to the house, I danced up the back kitchen stairs and ran smack into Rose. “What’s with the shit eating grin on your face?” She mumbled. Rose was sporting a fresh black eye, it must have been an interesting afternoon in here Colleen thought to herself.  “I know that look, that whorish look in your eyes, who have you been with! Don’t think your going to start running off and spreading your legs around these parts! I have enough kids; I don’t need to be raising yours too!” Colleen’s eyes welled with tears, a whore? Is that what Rose thought I was? I didn’t do anything mama she whispered, I just had a nice afternoon is all. “Get to your room!!” She screamed. Colleen didn’t fight her; she didn’t have the energy or the will power. Why was such a magical couple of hours ruined by her scorn and malice.

            My room Mary is my only haven in the quaint little town of Danielson. Although I shared it with Cindy Ann, who consistently touches my things, I still really liked it. My bed is by the window that looks over the back yard. While dreaming of running away to maybe Australia or China even, Joe’s blond streaks caught the sunlight just below my window. He looked up just as my  face peeped out from behind the curtains. His smiled, which made her heart jump and her blood race. What is this feeling inside me Mary.  What it was about him?  I quickly ducked back behind the curtains, out of view of Joe.

                                                                                                June 15, 1962

Throwing herself back on her pillows, staring up at her ceiling, she couldn’t help the smile plastered back on her face.  A knocked at the door wiped the smile away as fast as it had come. Rick came barreling through the door, with a split lip and swollen cheek. “What in the world happened to you!” Colleen jumped off the bed and ran to him. “That asshole George is what happened, Mom and him started fighting, when he threw the first punch I jumped on his back, and well.. this is the result.”

“Oh Rick, You have to learn to stay out of it. Rose made her own decisions, she married this man, she’s had two kids with him, she deserves what she gets.”  Rick looked at her bewildered. “She is our mother Colleen, I have the responsibility to protect her as I would you!” He quickly turned on his heel and left her at her door. Why did he have to be so naive, Colleen thought to her self, and so innocent?

To say dinner was tense that night was an understatement. George had been drinking more and more lately, although none of us knew why. There used to be some nights where he was some what pleasant. Although the night from a couple of years back never was far from my thoughts, I knew if I just stayed clear of being alone with him I would be ok. Having Joe at the table that night was very awkward. I did what I could to avoid his gaze, but it always tended to fall back to him. He was fuming at George’s condition at the table, and condition of Rose and Rick’s faces. The baby was asleep in the living room and Cindy Ann was barely touching her plate. “May I be excused please” she whispered. Rose and George were arguing so loud no one heard her but me. I leaned over and kissed her forehead. “It’s going to be ok angel, just go on up to your room, I’ll bring you a roll for snack later if I can manage” She quickly slipped from her chair and scrambled up the stairs, neither Rose nor George even noticed. Eventually they moved their fight into their bedroom. Rick, Joe and I stepped outside for a smoke. Rick’s face hurt, he quickly finished his cigarette and went to his room.

            “Would you like to take a walk with me” Joe whispered.

“Yes, I’d love to” The night sky was so inky black, and the stars so shiny white, the sky looked to go on forever. Joe slowly slipped Colleen’s hand in his. “I’m sorry for the way my brother treats your family, our father was the same way, we always swore to be nothing like him, I never thought he turned out this way”. 

            “Its not your fault, don’t apologize for him, plus Rose keeps coming back for more and more, it’s really her fault if anyone’s. I just feel bad for Cindy Ann and little David.”  Colleen stopped as they emerged past the trees back to the pond. The moonlight shimmered all over the water, making it look as though it were dancing. “It’s so beautiful” Colleen whispered. Joe looked down at her, into her eyes, and whispered back, “yes.. yes it really is” Colleen knew he was going to kiss her again, she also knew she shouldn’t let him, but she just couldn’t, everything was just right, just like in her books, his lips were soft and gentle, he pulled her closer to him, his kisses descended from her mouth to her neck, up again, and then he slowly slipped his tongue in her mouth. Colleen’s first reaction was to push him away, “What are you doing!” she whispered. “Do you trust me? I know your young kiddo, but believe me, just let me kiss you” Colleen did trust him, she wanted him to teach her, so she relaxed and let him kiss her again. It was like nothing she ever felt before. Her stomach was full of butterflies; her body tingled from her toes straight up to her eyes.  When he finally released her, she didn’t want to be let go. “Colleen, please you have to go back to the house now.. Please” 

            “But why?” Her eyes were so large, he couldn’t quite manage to push her away, “Believe me, go before its too late, now!” he yelled at her. Startling her, she turned and ran, as quickly as she could back to the dark house. Tears were streaming down her face, she was sure she had done something very wrong, although she wasn’t sure what. She flew to her room, throwing herself down on her bed, and cried herself slowly to sleep.

Mia put the book down. She was almost through the first book. To hear the personal thoughts of her mother, the first time she fell in love was something special to her. She really needed to do the dishes, and wash the clothes, and if her mother were alive she would be telling her no book was as important as making sure your house was clean, but she just couldn’t seem to put it down, when the phone rang. Sighing inwardly, Mia grabbed the phone. “Hello” Mia answered. There was a long pause on the other end.    “Hello?”             “Is this Mia.. Mia Casper?”      “Well, I haven’t been Mia Casper in a few years, but yes, who is this?”       “My name is uh.. Joe, Joe Garrett, I used to be a friend of your mothers..”      My heart must of skipped a beat, I knew my grandmother’s husband George’s last name was Garret, this must be the Joe I’m reading about I thought to myself.         “Uh yes, Joe, I’ve heard of you, did you hear of my mother’s passing?”  “Yes, I was very sorry to hear about Colleen, she was a beautiful girl” I could hear Joe’s voice catch; he had the soft hum of an older gentleman’s voice, that always makes my heart squeeze and think of my father. “It’s actually a little funny you’ve called Joe, because in the next couple of weeks I was going to be looking for you”  Joe didn’t respond, I almost had thought he had hung up. “Is it about Patrick, is that why you needed to find me” I wasn’t quite sure what to say. “Yes, my mother’s last request to me was to find him. I was wondering if maybe you and I could meet for lunch one day.”   “Of course Mia, I would love that. I still live in Vermont, but maybe we could meet in Massachusetts’s somewhere, depending on how much time you have, there is this quaint little town of Greenfield not far from here that I would love for you to see”  Once agreed upon a time and place to meet, they ended their conversation. Mia sat perplexed for a few moments. It really was very odd that this stranger who should of never heard of her before, called her and quickly agreed to meet her.  Sitting back down and picking up the journal, Mia knew that she had to find out what happened between her and Joe no matter what now, so she was prepared for whatever could be sprung on her in the near future.

                                                                                                June 20, 1962

Dear Mary

I haven’t see Joe for the past few days, except at dinner. He was up each morning at 5am with George, and off to work at the mill. They got back at 5pm a night, Rose and I would have dinner set on the table. Rose had started to attend church services every day, and Rick and I are expected to go with her. What Rose didn’t know, was that once a week, when I told her I had to stay after school for some help, or go into town to help at the market which is so supposed to be my part time job I would take the city bus back to Worcester, and meet with father O’Brien, to finally make my confirmation.  Father knew I was sneaking to see him to make my vows to Christ. So we did private classes every Thursday afternoon. And when I was finally finished and he felt I could make my Confirmation, he did a private ceremony and confirmed me with one other priest as a witness. I had skipped my classes that day, and afterwards to celebrate, Father O’Brien took me to breakfast and then the city library as a special treat.

            Later that night, as I glowed with my own little secret, I noticed Joe hadn’t stopped staring at me all through dinner. Once the plates were cleared, Rick and I took our customary walk for a smoke in the back woods, and tonight Joe joined us. George and Rose were actually being pleasant to each other tonight, Cindy Ann was excited for the calmness between them, and baby David recently had been sent to stay with George’s mother in Burlington Vermont, until things could get better. Rick noticed that Joe seemed eager to talk to me, so quickly left after his cigarette was done.

            “Why the sudden interest in taking walks again?” I asked him.

“We need to talk Colleen” He whispered. Quickly he continued before I could say anything. “Look, I know I scared you the other night, I’m so sorry Colleen, I should of never taken advantage of you that way, your just so.. Beautiful, and innocent and I couldn’t help myself. I pushed you away because I didn’t want to ruin you, I want you to get away from here someday, from all of this and not ever have to look back and wish you hadn’t spent that one night with me” The night air between us was thick with emotions. He didn’t want to ruin me! That’s why he yelled at me, and pushed me away. “Don’t you think it should have been my decision to be ruined or not?” I took an unsteady step towards him, and then quickly threw my arms around his waist and buried my face in his chest. The pent up sigh he released, as he slowly put his arms around me and held me to him was such a relief. He kissed the top of my head, and gently swayed me in his arms. I inched closer to him, I placed a small kiss to his neck, and left my lips there to linger. He slowly lowered his head and kissed me fully on the mouth, before I knew it, I was being lowered the ground still warm from the afternoon sun.  I knew what was mine to give, and I gave fully and lovingly to him that night in the woods, my soft cries seem to echo all around us, he captured my mouth to his once more, as I was joined to him, for what I thought was forever.

                                                                                                August 1, 1962

Once Rose and George would go to bed, our nightly ritual would be to meet in the woods by the pond. Whatever Joe wanted of me, I would provide. Sometimes we would be together; sometimes we would just sit and talk with a blanket around our shoulders looking at the stars and the moon. One night he told me of his wife, and the child he lost. I cried for his grief, I cried for the baby buried along side of the young women Joe first loved. He held me as I cried, but what he didn’t know was I also cried for the baby I carried inside of me. Soon I would be 17, but not soon enough, not that it matter at all. I know Rose was going to be furious, and would probably send me away once she found out. I had to tell Joe, but before I could mutter the words, he whispered he had to tell me something important and I had to listen. I thought for sure this was it, the moment I’d be waiting for, when he would tell me he loved me, that he wanted to marry me and taking me away with him, the last thing I expected to hear was “ Colleen, I’m so sorry, but I’m leaving, I’m going back to Burlington in two days.” 

            “Are you going to take me with you?” I whispered.. “Please Joe, don’t leave me here, please please..”

            “Colleen, I can’t! For one thing, you just a kid, not a kid I mean, you’re a young woman, but if I took you, it would be considered kidnapping, I have no rights to you, and.. well I never expected this to happen between us Colleen”

            “But Joe..”  Colleen whispered

“No, Colleen, I have to tell you the truth. There is someone waiting for me in Burlington, a childhood sweetheart, that I’ve made a promise too, she’s waiting for me to come back and marry her, I was only here to make some extra money so we could afford a nice wedding, Colleen.. she’s pregnant with my baby.”  The sob that escaped from deep within me, sounded more like a howl.

“She’s pregnant.. she’s pregnant! Well guess what asshole.. so am I!” I screamed at him, I’ve quickly scrambled to my feet and fled back to the house. Rose was sitting at the kitchen table, smoking a cigarette when I came through the door with a thud. “Well well well, what do we have here I wonder?”  I knew my face was red and tear stained, “Please Rose, not tonight” I whispered, I started to pass her. Her hand snaked out and grabbed my arm. “Sit down you little bitch” she hissed. “Now your going to tell me right now what’s going on, because if that man and been fooling around with you, he damn well better plan to take you off my hands.” 

“He doesn’t plan any such thing mama, he already is committed to someone else in Vermont, and since you’re so curious to know, I’m carrying his child, does that make you happy?”  The slap across my face was swift, it stung but the pain I felt inside was nothing compare to the slap across the face. “You’re an abomination to this earth! You’re a heathen whore, plan to get out of this house tomorrow!!” She screamed at me.

Chapter 3

When morning came, Joe was gone. Rose entered the room, and threw a suitcase on my bed, and started empting my drawers. “Where am I going?” I whispered.

“To a hospital for girls like you, you’ll deliver that baby, give it to the people that work there, and then back to a foster home until you’re of age to take care of yourself. I don’t want to see your slutty self around here again, what influences you had over my sweet Cindy Ann I can only imagine. I’ll have to have her re-baptize to save her soul, for which I know must be damned for sharing a room with you!”  I couldn’t help but cry. I loved Joe, my baby was created in love, that much I knew, but it would be treated as nothing, given to another family, I would never be able to cherish it, as I wished to do.  Rose and George had me out of the house in less than an hour. Headed west on a city bus headed for a small town in western Massachusetts’s called Greenfield, for a place called Weeping Willows. I thought the name appropriate for all the mothers who will weep over their babies as they are taken from them; at least I knew I would be weeping over mine.

The book stopped! The pages just ended.. You’ve got to be friggin’ kidding me! Mia said to her self. Who knows when she was able to pick up another journal, how am I supposed to know what happened at Weeping Willows if the book stops there!  I got up off the couch and ran to my desk where I had stored the other journals away. Flipping quickly through the pages until I could find something that resembled the hand writing of a young teenager that I had been reading.  The last book in the pile first page read “Reflections, remembering my past September 1960” Written by Colleen December 1962! I sighed with gratitude, It might not be first hand but at least she wrote down what she remembered for me, and only a couple of years later.  I grabbed the journal and sat back on the couch, determined to get through as much as this as I could before the kids got home from school, which was approaching fast.

                                                                                                            September 15, 1962

Weeping Willows wasn’t all that I expected it to be. Not that I really had any idea what to expect in the first place. The house was old and white, with a large front porch with two swings and rocking chairs. The front door had a huge fall wreath on it, and appropriately, the front yard and two huge weeping willows that lined the drive. When I entered the house, there was a fire in the living room blazing, taking off the fall chill from the air. Mrs. Weatherbee was the owner and operator of the home. “Welcome child, what is your name?” 

“Colleen” I whispered back, the house was so quiet I was afraid to make a noise. How my mother could afford this was beyond me, did she even pay for this? I knew it couldn’t be free, and if it were paid for by the state, the walls would be pea green, the floors brown linoleum, and there would be a metal desk in the middle of that living room where I would have to sign my name.

The women’s soft chuckle startled me as I stared at my surroundings. “There’s no need to be scared darling, it’s quiet because the girls are all taking their naps, I was just getting everyone’s afternoon snack together, are you hungry?” I nodded my head so fast I thought it might just fall off. I dropped my bag in the foyer, and followed the sweet older women in the large kitchen. Laid out before me on the table, was small half sandwiches with chicken salad, chocolate chip cookies, lemonade, and sweet tea. Mrs. Weatherbee laughed at the expression on my face. “Go head child, eat if your hungry” I couldn’t help myself, I had to know who was being so nice to me. “Who paid for this place? I know my mother and step father couldn’t afford it, who is being so nice to me?”

“Those questions child, are ones I cannot answer. A lot of times when girls are sent here, I get anonymous money, a lot of girls from wealthy families come here to rid themselves of their mistakes, they don’t want to be known, so names are rarely exchanged, and most girls you’ll meet here, won’t tell you their actual names when you meet them”

At the moment I could care less, my stomach hurt badly from hunger and all I knew was I needed to eat. I consumed two half sandwiches, three chocolate chip cookies, a full glass of lemonade, and then sat contently as the rest of the girls sleepily made their way into the kitchen for their snack.  The girls really didn’t pay that much attention to me; they must be used to new faces I thought. At that moment, Mrs. Weatherbee took my hand and brought me upstairs to my new room. The old oak floor creaked beneath my feet as we ascended the stairs. At the top of the stairs there were five doors. Two to the right, two to the left, and then a bathroom right in the middle. Each room held three to four girls; my room was directly left of the stairs. There was one extra bed in a room set up for three girls. The bed, luckily for me was by the window. I had one dresser to myself, and the closet was shared for shoes, books, and our suitcases. “Girls, Mrs. Weatherbee announced as we walked into the room, this is.. she hesitated, not sure if I wanted them to know my name, I muttered Colleen, She smiled, and said “Colleen this here on my right is Erin, and to my left is Kate. Erin is due in about 2 months as you can see, so she’ll only be with us for a short while, but Kate here isn’t due until April, so you’ll be roommates for a while. Girls Colleen is due in the beginning of May, so get used to each other!” Mrs. Weatherbee chuckled as she left the room, her small heels clicking happily as she left the room.  Not exactly sure what to say or do as the girls stared at me, I made my way over to the bed and set my suitcase down.

“So” Erin said to me, was it love at first site?

“Excused me?” I looked at her startled.  “Well” She replied snottily, you can tell that this wasn’t considered some little mistake to you by the lost look in your eyes. Myself on the other hand, I’m from the village, I was at a raging party one night with musicians and artist, all so beautiful, everyone was laughing and drinking and having fun, when I saw this beautiful creature across the room staring at me, I don’t remember much more than that, but about 4 weeks later I noticed I hadn’t got my monthly, and so volia! My folks send me to this God forsaken place until the kid comes, then I’m back to my life in the city. I plan to act on Broadway you know!” With that stated, Erin turned on her heal and waddled from the room. It looked like she was carrying twins! She was as big as a house! I thought to myself.

Kate at the point just sighed. “Don’t mind her, she is so dramatic, she’ll probably do well on Broadway to be honest” I smiled at Kate. Unlike Erin she was still relatively  small in her pregnancy, she had short cropped blonde hair, and light brown eyes, she couldn’t of been more that 5 feet tall, unlike myself at the giant height of 5’9. Erin was beautiful to say the least, pregnant or not. She was about 5’7 with rich red hair, and shimmering green eyes, her skin was prefect and creamy just the way it will need to be for when she’s acting. She could have been an Irish goddess. “Well I said to Kate, were you in love? Is that how you got here?”

“I don’t talk about it, most girls don’t, like I said, Erin is dramatic, and tells her business to everyone, but it’s private, so talk about anything else, but not that.”  With that said, Kate turned and left the room as well. I sat on the bed, not quite sure what to make of everything that had happened in the past twenty four hours.  I couldn’t complain, Weeping Willows was beautiful, the house was warm and smelled of baked cookies, baby or not I wouldn’t mind staying here forever.

The days turned into weeks, and weeks soon turned into months. I had no contact with anyone. Not even Rick. I would send him letters, and they would be sent back. Mrs. Weatherbee said it was normal, when girls got sent here, most families needed to heal from their transgressions and that the separation is a good thing. But that didn’t change the fact that it hurt, and I was lonely. I wanted to hear from Rick, from Joe, hell, even a letter from Rose would be better than nothing. At Christmastime, even if the girl’s families were mad at them, they all got gifts. I was used to not getting anything, the state never provided one for foster kids, and Lord knows Rose never thought about it, but this year on Christmas Eve, the only package to come was in my name. I was so surprised, I didn’t know what to say, even more I couldn’t think of anyone who would send me anything. Like a child hording all the chocolates, I took the gift and as fast as I could got up the stairs, into my room and closed the door. The room was quiet, and I was alone. Erin had delivered a healthy baby boy, once delivered; the happy Richardson family came to collect their new son to find a hysterical girl, screaming that her baby was hers! And that was it! The babies are delivered by a mid-wife in the lower level of the house. There is a back room off of the kitchen, set up for that alone. Mrs. Weatherbee tried to explain to the family that, sometimes this happens, a girl see’s the baby, and just can’t let it go. Poor Mrs. Richardson’s heart was broken, but Erin was determined, and although her parents weren’t very excited about the idea, they couldn’t help to goo and ga over the tiny bundle with eyes as green and his mothers and hair blonde like the sun.  Mrs. Richardson approached me at that point, since I was knitting in the common room, and asked if I had been approached by anyone as of yet to adopt my baby. My blank stare must have made her nervous, I truly hadn’t thought about finding a family to take the baby. I just figured, one would be provided. I quickly found my voice “ Um, no Mrs. Richardson, I hadn’t thought of it yet, but if your still interested, I won’t be able to change my mind, I have no where to go with the baby, I have to give it up.”  Mrs. Richardson smiled at me. “No worries child, when you’re due, I’ll be here. I love babies, I’ve been trying for so long and have yet to conceive, that Erin girl has really disappointed me, I have my nursery all set up, hopefully you won’t disappoint!” With a huff, she left the room. Mr. Richardson smiled at me, and promised they would keep in touch. A young girl named Mary leaned over, “You’ll be lucky to give your baby to them Colleen, let me tell you, from what I hear they have so much money it’s falling out of their pockets, and if you ask, I bet they could even give you a little compensation for your trouble.”

The box with my name printed in big black bold letters mesmerized me, who had thought of me on this holiday season? Once opened, a beautiful pink shall fell to my lap, I quickly swung it across my shoulders and went for the card at the bottom of the box.

            Dearest Colleen,

My Sweet girl, how are you faring? I hope Mrs. Weatherbee’s Weeping Willows is treating you well. I’ve heard nothing but good things about the place. A friend of mine’s sister went there back in 59’ and although she came home with her baby, she swore it was the best place to be for a girl who was with child. I’m sorry that I left in the night the last time I saw you. I heard the fight between you and Rose. I truly am sorry Colleen. Once I left your house I went to the bus terminal and bought you a ticket to Greenfield. I left instructions for your mother to send you to the terminal; the night man was working a double shift and would know what bus to put you on. I then sent a letter to Mrs. Weatherbee and some money, which I hope has been enough to keep you fed and warm, on second note, here’s a little more just to make sure. I hope someday you can forgive me. I have a life here in Burlington again, a wonderful wife, who is of a proper age, and a little girl, whose sweet smile will always remind me of you.

Stay well my dear,

Lovingly,

Joe

Folded in the envelope was a $20.00 bill. I don’t know how much this is going to help but I decided the best option would be to give it to Mrs. Weatherbee. The shall was truly beautiful. I wondered if his wife had made it, if she knew about me, and the baby that Joe and I had created, and she forgave him for his little mistake. Or had he actually gone to a store and picked over different gifts, trying to figure something out that would suit me, I liked that idea better.

Colleen’s 17^th birthday came and went without much celebration. Instead of cookies for snack that day, Mrs. Weatherbee made cupcakes like she did on all of the girls birthdays and everyone sang to the birthday girl. Kate and I had become decent friends. We were not as close as I might like, she was very secretive about her child, and she couldn’t wait for her pregnancy to be over, and to hand the child to someone else to raise. All I did know of her, was like Erin, she was from a wealthy family from Boston instead of New York. Her father was in investment, and she had one older sister, who was married and pregnant as well. Everyone thought she was attending classes in Georgia and was so busy with her new southern social life, that she couldn’t make it home for the holidays. The only person, oddly enough that knew where she was, was her brother in law, who was paying for Mrs. Weatherbees.  Kate was older than me by a year and a half. She had whispered one night to me that she thought of trying to abort the baby, by herself. That she started to, but when she started to cramp she got scared and stopped. As far as she knows the baby is ok, but sometimes she truly wonders..

                                                                                                April 8, 1963

Spring came with a burst of warmth and color. Kate and I were still rooming by ourselves, but had heard that was going to change soon.  A new girl would be joining us by the end of the week. It was a warm April night when I woke to Kate crying. She was moaning softly into her pillow. “Kate.. Kate! What’s the matter? Is the baby coming?”

“I don’t know she sobbed a little louder, it hurts so bad!” I scrambled to my feet, and waddled as fast I could down the stairs to the master suite of the house where Mrs. Weatherbee’s private quarters were. “Mrs. Weatherbee! Mrs. Weatherbee” I yelled into her door, while pounding on it. “What child, what is the matter! You’re much to early for the baby to be coming!”  “Not me I whispered, Kate! She crying and moaning and saying she’s in so much pain!”  “Oh dear, oh dear! Mrs. Weatherbee exclaimed. Quickly we got upstairs back to Kate. Soon we had her down stairs in the delivery room. Mrs. Weatherbee’s sister, who was the mid-wife was contacted and was on her way. Kate cried for me to stay with her, which wasn’t normal procedure. To not scare the other girls, we were all supposed to stay as far away from the birthing room while a girl delivers. But since none of the other girls had awoke with all of our commotion, or if they did, stayed behind closed doors, she let me stay at least until the mid-wife came. “Colleen” Kate whispered in my ear. “Yes dear, what is it?” “If I don’t make it, if I die from this, I want you to know that I loved him, as wrong as it might sound, because he was my sisters, my best friends, only love, and husband, we shared a night I’ll never forget, and created a life that will live forever in my heart because of him”  shhh I whispered back in her ear, “Don’t talk such nonsense, of course your going to make it, and if you want to keep your baby, I’ll run away with you to California and we’ll raise our babies together, since the man who’s fathered my child is married as well” She smiled sadly at me and closed her eyes, I’m so tired she moaned, just so so tired..

Kate was the first girl they had lost while delivering a child in 10 years, Mrs. Weatherbee had cried. The first girl had been her own daughter, who had been scared and ran away because she thought her mother wouldn’t love her for having a baby out of wed-lock. That was the soul purpose of starting this whole home. Once she found her daughter and brought her back to their family house, she decided there were too many girls out there, taking all the blame for an act only two people can condone too. Weeping Willows was truly weeping on that sad April night. Kate’s brother in law was contacted immediately, and because there was no other explanation to give to Kate’s family, he took the baby with him back to Boston, and told them that some handsome college student that Kate would never reveal to him, had made her pregnant, and sadly she had died giving birth. Kate’s sister and brother-in-law decided to raise the baby boy with light blonde hair and soft brown eyes. 

Story #1/Part 1

We'll just call this Mia because I can never actually come up with names for these stories. I wrote this for my mom a few years ago, she was so proud of it :) I should really work on it some more, edit it, add and take away some of it but once a whole bunch of people read it (and believe me a whole bunch did, it seemed not as important to make many changes)  I'll most likely post this in parts because it is long and what I am going to consider complete.  So here is part 1.  Enjoy!

Chapter 1

Mia

Sitting on my mother and father’s bed and realizing now that I was all alone in the world was probably the hardest realization I’ve ever had to face. Going out into the living room and facing my sisters, knowing now was the time that we would have to start sorting through her things, was not going to be easy for me to say the least. My mother and I had some hard times through the years, I suppose like all mothers and daughter’s do, but unlike a lot of the mother daughter relationships out there, we had to deal with losing our best friend, together. My father, was not perfect in any shape or form, but to say he was my hero was probably the closest thing to the truth I had ever known when I was 16 years old. My parents really loved each other, and for that I always considered myself immeasurably lucky. Both my parents have been married previously, my sisters and brother had not had it easy when my parents found each other, leaving behind ex-spouses, and combining different families. I wasn’t there for that transition, but I see even now, how bitterness can still pop through the surface when memories arise in one my sister’s long winded stories they all tell me about. I am the youngest of a large brood, a mix match family, that if has nothing else, all love each other unconditionally, my father was the back bone of that love and loyalty to each other, and once he was gone, my mother tried to step in. Keeping the family “together” was always a little harder for her though, coming from a broken home, I don’t know if she always felt as comfortable as she lead us all to believe she did. Laying my head down on my mother’s pillow I can smell her white linen perfume and shampoo. On the side of her bed is her night stand, that hasn’t changed since I was a little girl. A lamp, and phone, small knick knacks scattered around on the top of it, it is still the same after almost 30 years. Even in the small drawer, there are miscellaneous items that still hold a mystery for me. I remember as a young girl, always looking through my mothers and father’s drawer’s, looking for secret treasures, and answers to the universe I was sure my parents were tucking away for me somewhere in the midst of their clothes. Tugging on the drawer to her night stand, inside still lay the mix match junk that was there before as well, keys and business cards, some aspirin and cards, I pulled the draw out further and tucked in the way back found a small pink book. I know for sure, that this book was never there when I was a child; this is something with a little mystery that my childhood imagination would have just loved. The reason I thought I didn’t remember it though, was because I reasoned it was probably mine. I slowly opened the old worn cover, shocked to open the first page and see hand writing I didn’t recognize right away.  Sitting back against the pillows, I decide to take a peek inside the book, read a few pages to see what I would find.

Dear Mary                                                                  January 10, 1960

You were my Christmas present from the local Salvation Army this year. You are very pretty, with a pink cover and blue paper inside. I’ve decided to name you Mary, because I’d like to think I’m writing to the Virgin Mother. I’ve read so much about her in church and catechism classes, she sounds beautiful and serene, and all a mother should be. All I wish I had. I’m sorry it has taken me a few weeks to get started on you, but I’ve been a little busy, but I promise to write in you as much as I can from now on. I’m going to start I suppose by telling you a little about myself. My name is Colleen, and I’m sure you are going to be my closest friend, for a very long time. I’m going to be 15 in just a few months, but I don’t expect anything for my birthday, the last time I received a gift, it was a broken pair of ice skates, I’m sure Rose found in someone’s garbage, and Mrs. Rossi made a cake that everyone else got to eat, so I would always know how it is to feel to want she explained to me. My life isn’t very exciting to say the least but I’ll start by telling you about yesterday.

The morning air was damp and cold, the thought of struggling out of bed in that air was torturous! Let me tell you Mary it is horrible to get out of bed when the morning is still dark. I knew if I didn’t get out of bed soon, I would regret my decision of sleeping a few extra minutes and keeping warm under my blankets. There was nothing worse than the cold, in my eyes, but being cold and hungry didn’t sound appealing either. As Rose, my “mother” had always said, “to survive in this world Colleen you must earn your keep, I did not bring any beggars into this world, you’ll work hard for what you get and you’ll thank me later”. Thanks my ass! She got me into this situation as far as I’m concerned. To just think, if I was only adopted, that family wanted me so bad, a nice home, warm clothes and warm food in my belly each day, love and happiness would be the story of my life instead of this!

            The cold hardwood floor sent a chill straight up my spine as I struggled to pull on my only pair of woolen paints, a flannel shirt my little brother had given me last year for Christmas, which had grown to small for him, and my old black worn shoes, which had more holes in the soles than Swiss cheese! I crept below stairs not wake the rest of the house hold, and quickly turned on the oven to start getting warmth in the kitchen, and filled a bucket of ice cold water to start to scrub the Rossi’s floors. Their family was large; they had 4 boys, and 2 girls. To keep them afloat the Rossi family brought in foster kids like me. The extra income that they received to feed the kids and clothe them always went to their own children, and the foster kids would receive their hand me downs, which were never all that nice, and always were worn so thin you could scarcely call them rags.

I hummed quietly while I worked, currently there was only one other foster kid in the Rossi house, Michael, and though while able; because he was a boy he got to sleep until 6am instead of 4am like myself, who had to scrub the floors in the kitchen, clean the bath rooms, make sure the trash from the previous evening was taken care of, and then start breakfast so it was ready for the family when they woke up. Michael had to work with Mr. Rossi to bring in some extra cash, that was his contribution, and why he got to sleep later in the morning. If all her chores weren’t done, I didn’t get to have any breakfast, even though she usually only got what little left over’s there were from the other kids anyway, which never amounted to much.  I never complained though, although I was cold, and my body ached, and all I wanted was to be loved, I never let a soul know the pain I was in, except maybe for my kid brother Rick, and you Mary, I’ll never hide from you.

                                                                                                Jan 12 , 1960 

 I often reminded myself, that all my brothers and sisters are in the same boat. Rose being the selfish woman she is, decided to make all of us brats wards of the state, so she could finally live her life as she liked to remind them. My mother had married my father when she was 18 because she had no one in the world, her parents had died of influenza when she was just 4 years old, and both her and her brother were also made wards of the wonderful state of Massachusetts. Unlike a foster home where I am, Rose had been sent to a convent that had an all girls school attached. Hoping to recruit more children of God, they let Rose live at the convent and attend classes, but like the nuns she had to be up each morning at 3:30am, she had to pray 5 times a day, unless at school had to take a vow of silence, and had her chores to do on top of home work. Once she turned 18, she had to decide to take her vows and become a novice or start to live her life else where in the world. Rose had met one of the father’s of the other students at school. His wife had died in a few years past she knew, and he had 2 small children besides his daughter who graduated with Rose. Gathering all the courage she could, she approached him one day and offered her services as a nanny for the children, as long as room and board was included. Mr. Slogan found Rose beautiful and quickly agreed to the arrangement. Her long black hair was thick and enticing, her big blue eyes were like cornflowers, and needless to say soon after she started her position as the new nanny, she found herself with child, with Colleen’s oldest brother Nicholas. Instead of welcoming a bastard child into the house or sending Rose to the streets, Mr. Slogan married Rose, and quickly gave her 3 more kids to bear for him, on top of raising his two children from his previous marriage. During the sixth month of her fifth pregnancy, Mr. Slogan died of heart failure. I never met my father, but Nicholas always told me nice stories of our father, he would come home smelling of wood and spice, with candy in his pockets for the children and kisses for his wife. Rose never wanted the kisses though, she never wanted to bear the man’s children, never wanted to be a housewife. She had wanted to travel, to sing and act in New York. So once he was dead, her five kids were off to foster homes, and Mr. Slogan’s oldest children were off to live with their uncle who had custody of them. When I was younger, I used to think the story between my parents was some what romantic, here was a young girl, left all alone and just needed someone to help her, and she fell wildly in love with her employer and started a family, it wasn’t until I was about 10 and she sat me down and told me how horrible it all was that I realized that of course my dream was just that a dream, she never loved my father, or me, or any of my brothers or sisters! So much for my romantic fantasies. Someday Mary, I’m going to fall in love, and I’m going to be honest and loyal to my husband and never treat him I’m sure the way Rose treated my poor father. All he ever wanted was to love her I’m sure!

            I put what was very evidently my mother’s childhood diary down and just stared at it. I knew some of the stories she was telling in her book, she had told them to me as I started to grow older so I could understand. I just can’t believe she had written a diary and never mentioned it to me. I knew I had to show this to my sisters and brother, but part of me wanted to be so selfish and just steal it away, tuck it in my purse and keep it for myself. As I lifted the book up a slip of paper fell out of the back of the book.  I unfolded the paper, which was yellowed and cracked with age. Inside the folded paper was a key hanging on a red string and written was Newport Post Office Safety Deposit Box 125. I immediately slipped the key into my pocket, put the book into my purse and decided to head out to the living room to talk to my sisters.  “Hey guys, Listen I’m going to take a ride for a little while, get out of here for a bit.”  My mother’s oldest daughter Cathy looked at me strangely. “What? I’m just going to for a drive” But Mia, we need to start going through mom’s stuff...”  I turned and looked at all my other sister’s. Their eyes were red rimmed, their noses sniffling, I knew they were hurting and in need, I knew I needed to be there for them, but I wanted to go and do this for me, and for my mom. Once I discovered what was in this safety deposit box I could share it with all of them. “Look I’ll be back within an hour, why don’t you guys try to relax, have some lunch, give me a little time, then we’ll start ok?”  Cathy nodded at me, and walked back into mom’s room to lie down, my other sister’s started scattering around the house to look at different articles they might want to bring home for them or their kids.

            I quickly ran out the door and jumped into my car, racing for the post office before they closed. Huffing and puffing inside, I was lucky enough to be able to approach a clerk right away. “ Hi, my name is Mia, my mother recently passed away, and I found this key, and a note, I was wondering if you could release the contents to me” The post master looked at me for a few minutes, unsure of what to do. “I’m sorry miss, but I really shouldn’t without proof of a death certificate”  A sigh went through me, I happened to collect that from the town this morning. “I can provide that, please I just need a few moments with the box” After being ushered into a private quite room, I sat with the heavy black box in front of me for quite a few minutes, just starting at it. Butterflies raced around in my stomach, anxious and curious at the same time, I knew I had to open the box.  I inserted the key, hoping to find oodles of money, knowing I would probably find nothing. The first thing I noticed was a typed paper, lying on top of what looked to be a couple more journals, and a jewelry box. I opened the letter

            Dear Mia,

My youngest daughter, who is so much more like me than she’ll ever admit, somehow in my heart, I know you found this before any of your sisters. Your imagination has always gotten away from you, there are nothing in these books, besides my writings, of my life, my happiness and misery, but of all my girls, I think you would find most comfort in reading them. They skip around years, I wasn’t devoted to writing all the time, but I’m sure you’ll enjoy it all the same, my daughter who was always so curious with questions! You would sit and ask me to tell you all my stories, from when I was a girl, about my mother, about the foster homes, You out of all my daughter’s being the closest to my friend, even knew about my sweet little boy.. Who I’ve wondered about up until my last breath. After reading my stories Mia, if you can, if you have the resources and you’re strong enough, please find Patrick. You’ll hear his story, what I know of it, in these journals, please.. Find your bother, and let him know I always loved him. I love you, be the strong girl I know you are, and take care.

Love,

Mom

My hands were shaking as I laid the paper down on the table. She wants me to do WHAT! For years, she told me to leave the subject alone, that she never hid from him, it was up to HIM to find her, but how does she even know that he knows she exists I would say? It’s in God’s hands, that’s what her answer always was, and now that she’s gone she’s leaving it to me? Wonder and anger, passion and fear welled up in me in a whirl wind of emotion. How could she ask this of me? Why now when it was what I always wanted us to experience together?  I looked back in the black box and removed the 3 other journals that remained. The jewelry box creaked as it pulled it out. Inside was a small gold ID bracelet with the name Patrick engraved on it, a picture of my mother at 16 holding her first son, and a sealed envelope with his name written on the front. “Figures, it just figures she does this to me now!”  tears welled in my eyes, I missed my mother so much, how could I not do this for her?

            I pulled out the pink journal, figuring if I could read a little bit more, maybe what anger had built up inside of me, would subside with memories of my mother.

           

                                                                                                            January 30, 1960

This morning at 5:30am Mrs. Rossi emerged from up stairs, lit a cigarette, and sneered at me.   “Why isn’t the damn breakfast on the stove yet”. “I’m just getting to it now Mrs. Rossi, I promise it will be done by six when the rest of the children come down stairs.”  I quickly threw some butter in a frying pan and started to fry eggs and toast. The milk had just arrived on the stoop, I put a bottle on the table for the children to share and put the rest in the ice box. I knew now I had to rush to get the kids fed, so everyone was out the door and off to school by 6:45. Mrs. Rossi’s oldest son John came into the kitchen and quickly snuck behind me, pinching my behind. I squealed, shot a look at Mrs. Rossi who was glaring at me, and told him to get away.  John was always sneaking around me, touching me when he could, watching me undress at night through the holes in the door of my room. Honestly Mary, at 17 he isn’t the best looking guy, average in height he had dark hair and eyes, his skin had a slight olive complexion, which was always oily and he always smells funny to me.  The few times he has tried to kiss me, I’ve barely managed to get away! I’ve been kissed by boys, it isn’t as if I don’t like it, I just don’t know what repulsed me more, his smell or the feel of his clumsy hands trying to grope me.  Our conversation went something like this Mary, just so you know the trouble I have to put up with these days!  “C’mon Colleen you know you like it” John whispered, “just meet me after school today, we’ll go for a walk in the woods, it will be fun”  I quickly tried to think of an excuse. Although Mrs. Rossi doesn’t like me, and doesn’t like the attention John pays to me, she wouldn’t want me to feel she could snub her son either, and I knew Mrs.Rossi was listening in just the other room. “John that’s very sweet of you to invite me, but I made special arrangements to meet with Rose today, right after school I have to get on the bus. I’m sorry I just can’t”   wasn’t that a good save Mary? The sad thing is, I really have to go see Rose today! After that little spat I quickly turned around to finish scrambling the eggs. With fresh food on the table, the kids quickly came down the stairs to devour their breakfast, before I could finish the dishes, I realized there was no breakfast really left for me except for a piece of dry toast, and a sip of milk. I quickly took what I could, while the children collected their books. They all had to start to walk to school soon or be late, which would mean detention after school for at least an hour. Knowing the morning would be cold and bitter outside; I quickly dashed up to my room and grabbed a knit cap tucked beneath my pillow. I was able to grab it out of the donation box last Sunday at church, and knew if Mrs. Rossi saw she would take it and give it to one of the boys, who according to her could never afford to be sick. Well, let me tell you, if she wants a clean house and breakfast each morning I really can’t afford to be sick either!  Running out the front door and down the street I finally caught up with the other kids, stuck the hat on my defiantly, waiting for one of the Rossi kids to mention the hat. No one said a word, because no one wanted burnt toast and eggs tomorrow!

            

About me

First the two most important things in my life are my children, Jaysn and Danielle. They are what keeps me going each and every day. Their laughter is like a drug that makes you want to live your life. Each and everything I do, decision I make is in hopes to make their lives the best that they can be.  That being said this fall I'll be attending college again. I had hoped to try something new and was planning on going to school for Occupational Therapy, but after a lot of thought and consideration, and advice from my friends and family I decided to go for business. I've been working in the business field for many years now and my work will even contribute towards my tuition, who can turn that down these days?  But if I could choose to do anything in the world? It would be to write. I'm not a great writer, i'm a terrible speller but stories are always tumbling around in my head, so here is where I will come and display them. I'll warn you all now, the grammar most likely won't be right, there will be mistakes all over the place (hey i never said i was an editor!) but I need to let out the creativity some where so here it will be.